Category Archives: Consciousness

From the Heart, In the Heart—the essence of One Quality Note

A young jazz bass player, a student at Berklee in Boston, posted a facebook status that  a) allowed me to remember again why I do what I do and b) embodied the principle of One Quality Note for me.

Marika was playing background music for a marriage proposal (which in and of itself is a great idea! kudos, young man— and lucky woman!) and she said it put so much in perspective.

What’s Important in Music?

Here’s what she wrote:
Playing my best on my jury or in an audition (or whatever ‘meaningful’ situation) is cool and seems so very important at the time, but it matters most in real life, in moments of the heart… I’ve never played a note more earnestly than when I saw what was going on…

It then occurred to me that I don’t keep at this music thing every day for the sake of being a virtuoso or some musical freak of nature. It’s all so that I can be a part, to the best of my ability, of moments like that.

“Playing My Best Matters Most in Real Life”

Ain’t that the truth!

It doesn’t matter so much, really, in those situations where others are there to judge us. All the accolades and awards in the world mean nothing if, in those real life moments, we detach. Money, awards, accolades, fame—nothing inherently wrong with them. It’s what we value, what is truly important that matters. And at the end of our life, we’ll be more grateful and better for the heart connections we’ve made than for all the hardware we’ve collected. The two are not connected.

The Value of Being Earnest

There can be no faking earnestness. I’ve come to enjoy and appreciate this word a lot lately. I appreciate earnestness. Earnestness has solidness to it and stability. Marika said she’d never played a note more earnestly as when she saw what was going on.

Why? Why would this moment be any more special than another?

When our heart is activated and we can see meaning in a gesture of great love or great significance, we become entrained in that vibration. When we become entrained, the wave, the signature of that vibration, gets bigger. When people in a group are on the ‘same wavelength’ it’s not just a saying; it’s the truth.

If all the musicians in Marika’s group that day also played their earnest best… then imagine the force of that proposal! Magnification times awesome!

Make Every Moment a One Quality Moment

I love that Marika uncovered this stupendous truth: that making one’s best music (or any other ‘thing’) in real life is when it really counts.

My hope, too, is that she and all of us can aspire to live each moment with that same earnestness and attention. It requires attention and presence and understanding the love that is behind whatever is happening.  It requires practice. It requires a willingness to fail, because, well… it’s an aspiration and we have to take small steps towards that idea.

Small Steps

Marika has taken the first step. She recognized a moment when she was fully present to the awesomeness of the moment and was able to act on that presence with full awareness. That, in itself, is brilliant.

Every time we recognize and lean into one of “those” moments. Every time we leave our inner critic and inner chatterer at the curb and bring all of our parts together, we take another small step into that earnestness she spoke of. We can take another step into living our life as One Quality Note.

I Think I’ve Broken My Brain—and Invented a New Word

Are you a hyperlearner? Maybe it’s hyper-learner. I think I just made up a new word. Hyperlearner. And it’s not related to “hyperlearning,” which is education made possible by using technology and “hypermedia,” which is a system in which various forms of information  (data, text, graphics, video,audio) are linked together by a hypertext program. And “hypertext”  is… well, never mind. It’s not connected to my definition of ‘hyperlearner.’

So, here it is. Sharon J Little’s official definition of ‘hyperlearner.’

A hyperlearner is someone who constantly crams huge amounts of information into the brain, through various media, such as reading, webinars, teleseminars, CDs. A hyperlearner has an educational CD in the car, has filters in her inbox for each of a dozen or more authors, speakers, coaches, mentors who teach on a wide variety of topics within one larger topic. This hyperlearner tries to read, listen to and watch everything; typically she does NOT have the same kind of filter in her brain as in the inbox. A hyperlearner could be seen to be trying to learn too much on too many things in too little time. A hyperlearner is, by definition, overstimulated, overinvolved, over the top, about learning.

This is not just your typical lifelong learner. That would be a lifelong learner; someone who keeps the brain in gear,

Lifelong Learning

Lifelong Learning (Photo credit: Stephen Downes)

exploring new and interesting things, la de dah … de dah…. de dah….

A hyperlearner absorbs more information than a monster sponge. Holds onto it and then wrings it out in all kinds of ways—speaking, writing, teaching, seminars, workshops. But before the wringing comes the overwrought! The over absorption. The point after which not one more speck of information can be absorbed…. and then, the hyperlearner tries to suck in more.

Raise your hands, hyperlearners.

The sidebar to the constant learning is the inner demand, determination and directedness, which leads the hyperlearner to think that one cannot take a break. Or, rather, that breathing, doing a little nothing, listening to a little music or taking a full day off just to dream and think and sort it all out, is ,well, a waste of time.

Now, I KNOW that it’s OK to take a break. I know about walking, about smelling the roses (or, at this time of year, the composting leaves). I know about tai qi in the morning and having tea. And I do all that.

The problem right now is that I’m so interested and excited about what I’m putting together, that I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to break. I want to dig in and get all kinds of content written and interviews set up and teleseminar series created….

And I will.

But today, before I launch into concert week and shore up some PR and get the groups focused on the last few things to get together…. I’m giving myself a break.

Not in the “You deserve a break today” (remember that McDonalds tune in the 70’s, which I don’t buy and which I think was a curse of an ad campaign, leading a generation of people to think they “deserve” things. That’s another post…) but in the… “It’s OK. You can take a day off and NOT hyperlearn. It’s not an excuse to let it all go. It’s needed and OK and everything will carry on. Just STOP” kind of way.

And I just bought the domain name… http://www.hyperlearner.com

Don’t go there… there’s nothing. But I’ve got the name. I’m gonna OWN this!

“Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and do nothing.”   Sharon J Little

No Excuses. For 90 Days.

A list of possible excuses. Among the ones that I will not be using for the next 90 days. (I’m feeling a little punchy and pissy about excuses and what they really mean.) I know this is going to be a challenging 3 months. I’m getting tough on myself. Mostly, I simply tired of listening to myself, as quiet as the excuse voice is. Because it’s a pretty quiet one. One that runs like a hum, like the electrical buzz you don’t notice until the electricity goes off in a storm.

I’ve done this on a smaller scale before. But never for 90 days. That’s sustained and persistent.

I forgot. (No, you didn’t. You didn’t bother.)

Sorry, I’m late. (No, you’re not. You didn’t plan well enough.Especially from people who are consistently late.)

I didn’t finish the dishes last night ’cause it was late. (find a better time to do them. You hate seeing dishes on the counter in the morning.)

I woke up late. (And so? Get going.)

I don’t feel like it. (Too bad. It has to be done. Get on with it.)

I have to drive ALL the way into town. It’s too late to go to the gym. (Stop it. Three times a week. Plan it. Do it.)

I don’t have time. (Yes, you do. You just haven’t set your priorities properly to get done what you said you would. Or, you really don’t have the time. In which case you’ve over-committed. About as bad.)

Just this once. (Yeah, right.)

I can have just one. (ditto!)

I’m not good enough.(We use this to keep our dreams small. Stop it.)

I haven’t got the right stuff. (Either get the right stuff, if that’s really true, or just get on with it)

It’s too cold. wet, windy outside. (Layer, bundle, cover. Go. Unless it’s -30, there’s a tornado or a flood. Then it’s just dumb to even think about going outside.)

Really. I sent that email.(The equivalent of “my dog ate my homework.”)

I meant to. (But you didn’t)

Excuses are rationalizations we use to live small. In doing so, we often evade the hard work or even the five minutes it takes to do something properly.

I’m not sure how many times a day I’ve used an excuse to keep me from doing something that would advance my business, my health, or would add beauty and order to a place. I know it’s a subtle form of subterfuge and I’d like to eradicate it.  And I think it’s endemic in our world. We all make excuses for things.

Time to stop it. So, here come 90 days of no excuses. At least if I use an excuse, I’ll catch myself.

 

Stop. Be Silent. You’ll Be More Creative.

We’ve all heard it and we’ve all ignored it to some extent or other.

Meditate. Find a quiet space. Be in solitude. Sit.

We all need it; we all know we need it. And yet, we’re more likely to get hyped about drinking all that water we’ve been told to guzzle or about visualizing our dreams or about adding value to everything we do in our business than this. We’re likely to spend more time doing our makeup or washing our car, updating our status or cuddling with the cats than taking the 20 minutes needed to meditate, or to sit absolutely still, with no agenda, or to walk through a park on the way home. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

We’re more focused on the technical aspects of building our business, or the skills needed to teach the children. We attend meetings, network, connect on facebook. We listen to webinars, dash to the gym, get trapped in the agendas of others through the inbox. Children take music lessons, gymnastics class, play hockey and have play dates (really, WHAT IS THAT?! Can’t they just play?!)

We’re too busy and yet we can’t stop. This talk has been going on for at least 40 years: in the 70’s we started talking about stress and we developed stress “management” techniques. We might be able to manage the stress, but we’re still stressed. And getting sick of and from it.

We must Stop.  Every day. Sometimes we need to stop for several days and unplug. Apart from vacations, which many times is just another excuse for being busy somewhere else.

The Point of Silence

For the musician, the artist, the writer, the creative, the silence is the ground. Everything comes from a silent centre. That centre, the soul, infuses us with the energy— that creative, soulful energy—which has inspired the creative impulse in us since the beginning of life. Since the beginning of the beginning.

Recognizing the Soul

We can recognize, though perhaps not name, that soulful connection when we see it in a leader, a teacher, a conductor. We can recognize, too, when a conductor or a teacher has not done the necessary inner work: we can’t name it, but we can sense it.

Be Do Be Do Be

… while many musicians have developed highly sophisticated technical skill, and teachers have developed highly sophisticated teaching methods and strategies, they are devoid of the very spiritual energy which has provided creative impulse in humankind since the beginning of life. One simply cannot grow as a musician without serious and profound work on self in order to access soul.

The search to find and understand soul must be the foundation for all musical experience. It is to that end that every musician, regardless of ability or calling, should commit his or her entire being.”

from “The Musician’s Soul” by James Jordan (p. 46)

What I wonder is… if this is so important, why

a) do we hide the process of our journey from others

b) don’t we talk about this more often

c) do we spend SO much time in school on the doing.

I know of very few musicians, music teachers or conductors who have a defined, focused, regular, intentional—yes, that’s it, intentional— spiritual practice.

For the record, when I was teaching in school, I took the bus, biked or walked. This gave me time to focus, to unwind, to get into a rhythm. When I took the bus, I got off a stop early and did tai chi in the park, or went into the gym to do it. I did a 10 minute meditation every morning for most of those years.

Now, my practice is longer and involves writing, meditation, reading and qi gong. Every day… about 57 days out of 60. I consider it mandatory.

The excuse that “there’s no time” is bogus. Create it. Spend 5 minutes less on Facebook or Twitter. Get up 15 minutes earlier and really get UP. It’s a choice and we have control over this part of our life.

Make 10 minutes of quiet alone meditative space a priority. Every day.

Doing It Cause I Said I Would

NASA Sees Hurricane Sandy as the "Bride o...

Pre-Frankenstorm, which isn’t going to hit us directly and which is a better word than Frankenweenie, I think. Sunday night. Rain. Cat on forearm, anchoring me, connecting with me, purring.

This, Day 13 of my 30-day post a day challenge, is an exercise in persistence, commitment, discipline, imagination and learning. Nothing more and certainly nothing less.

At this point, I don’t care about links, about comments, about new likes or follows. I don’t check. And if you’ve liked the  a post,  or follow the blog, thank you and I’ll check in on your blog at some point. But right now, this is for me. I need to do this. And I need to write something of . At least for me… and maybe for others. If it’s of value to you, let me know. If not, that’s OK, too.

What IS this?

I decided to post something every day for 30 days, starting on October 12, the new Moon of Libra, come hell or high water, the latter of which is much more likely and indeed, were I living in Wawa, Ontario, or in the path of Hurricane Sandy, would be even more probable. I could ostensibly beg high water if I wanted to quit. The hell part, well, that could have been in BC had the earthquake been stronger and/or further south.

This is meant to establish a rhythm, a steadiness from which I can expand. It’s manageable and doable. If I set the bar higher, it would be difficult to succeed. Small wins, small steps towards a more productively creative, a more predictably creative, a more prolifically creative life. Writing is part of that.

I seek to live an imaginative, creative life (and I blog off and on about it here) and I’m trying to get my soul-infused act together, which means, for me, to create rhythm in my life and to be consistent about things. Oh, and to not get so distracted by… well, pretty much anything. The problem is I’m interested in everything and have some capacity to manage many things. And so I do. Or, I did… more than I do now.

But , I still try to put too many things in a day. Even today. Once I finish this, I have a meditation to do, which I should have done earlier today, but didn’t, and there was more, but I’m committed to doing it…and so…

I do  this, and mark my steps along the path with stickers as I wrote earlier. No one would yell at me if I stopped. I could stop. No roof would fall, the world wouldn’t end and I could start something new.

But I won’t and… I won’t. Somewhere in me, and it’s been going on for a time this year, there is a deep-seated drive to do more, other, better, different, beyond, what is possible and potential not just probable. I have a clear vision of where this will lead, but am not sure yet of everything that will carry me there. I do know that I have to do this. Now.

Tomorrow is the Full Moon of Scorpio. Following this cycle and rhythm is part of the need that I’m meeting— using the energies of the time to move myself forward.

My astrologer friends have spoken about the following in connection with this full moon, in no particular order. I add them here just as fodder for thought.

  • Scorpio brings the hidden into the light
  • it’s the sign of death… not necessarily physical, but, yes, that, too.
  • the esoteric keynote is Warrior am I and from the battle I emerge triumphant
  • the US presidential elections always occur during Scorpio (wonder what it would look like in, say, Taurus or Leo… or any other time!)
  • this is a time to truly choose the spiritual, soular, higher self path and battle the forces that would keep us more engaged with personality distractions and lower drives.(quelle joie!)

Bottom line: can I/we live from our higher principles, no matter what… come hell or high water?

I’ve chosen a particular head of the Hydra to deal with during this Full Moon time. You can read a bit about it here. And, like this challenge, and the other daily practices I’ve committed to, I am going to battle this one to … its death.

Frankenstorm… referring to what could happen when the storm that just passed us and Hurricane Sandy get together for a meetup— a pretty good name for the Full Moon of Scorpio time,   I think.

Need to Develop a Good Habit? Try stickers!

I used these for my private music students… and now, they motivate, reward and inspire me!

I use stickers, coloured dots and check lists to track my good habit creation. Just like I did with students when we were changing behaviours. Really. I respond to stickers, coloured dots and check lists. I make up games to get them! They are visual. I see them. Day after day. They motivate and reward me. (I’m pretty easy to satisfy. I guess I’m pretty self-directed.)

I DON’T want to see a missed day and eventually, the new habit becomes, well, a habit. I’m a pretty good self-checker.

In my head, at least, consistency is not my strong suit. But I KNOW that repetition is the mother of learning (thanks second year University Russian course—it’s a Russian proverb—and piano practice) and I also KNOW that I get more, better work done when I have my personal practice aligned.

Of course, that sounds all nicey nicey. Knowing and Doing are two different things. It’s hard to find out what works.

I have apparently stumbled upon the way that works for me. For now. I’m hoping this ‘game’ will let me play into a series of good, productive habits that will allow me to create and produce more… and better.

Right now I have several ‘behaviour projects’ underway. And tracking systems to go with them all!

  1. 40- day Mantras on Abundance and Removing Obstacles (thank you Lakshmi and Ganesha)— sticker in my planner
  2. 30-day post-a-day blogging challenge—pink dot on the tracking page
  3. Morning pages—sticker in the planner
  4. Meditation—ditto
  5. 10 000 steps a day walking goal—green dot on the tracking page
  6. stretch, do qi gong, yoga every day—planner
  7. 30 min/day reading of something intellectually challenging —planner

The morning practice is key.

I’ve had several versions of this for nearly 20 years. In the last years before I left teaching, my practice included biking 20 km to work, going into the gym and doing tai qi, leaving by 4:15 and not taking any work home. When I took the bus, I’d get off one stop early and do tai qi in the park, then walk to school. There are lots of ways to develop a habit. Now that I’m at home every morning and needing to accomplish other things, I have a different practice.

Here’s what I do now.

I get up early, make some hot water and fresh lemon juice and get my body awake. I prefer tai chi/qi gong to yoga on the whole. In the summer, I do a form of qi gong called Tao Yin Fa, outside on the grass. I learned it in the summer, and we were outside. I’m a certified practitioner/teacher. There’s a resonance there.

Last winter, I received a Rodney Yee yoga DVD—Yoga for the A.M. For me it’s more important to do something than to choose the right one. I make things simple. Follow the order. Don’t think, don’t fart around with it. Just get on with it. I’ve now resurrected a Tiger Shamanic Qi Gong DVD and put that in the mix. Doesn’t matter. As long as I do something for 15-20 minutes.

Morning Pages

Julia Cameron coined the phrase. Millions have joined the practice. Three pages, stream of consciousness writing. Sometimes it’s profound. Sometimes it’s a to-do list. Sometimes there are diagrams, a shopping list, a wish list, a what not to do list. Sometimes it’s just scribbles. Literally. Or, when it feels like there aren’t words, I write things like “keep writing” or “blah blah blah” or “pen paper scissors porch marble nightstars chocolate blah.” And then I’m off.

It clears my mind like qi gong clears out the chi-webs that form in the night.

Mantra Meditation

I’m on the third 40- day practice. That’s 40 days in a row. Every day. Without a miss. If I miss, I have to start again. Sometimes I’ve had to do it just before bed. But I do it. And that’s the point.

If I can build these small routines into a consistent positive habit, then I figure I can add larger ones. One step at a time.

I also use an emWave with that. This is a biofeedback device developed by the great folks at the  Institute of HeartMath, who researches stress, emotions, heart intelligence, coherence and more. I play a game. I only repeat the mantram when my heart is in partial or total coherence. This means it takes longer than if I simply repeated the mantra.

Meditation

This active form of meditation focuses my mind on a seedthought and orients me towards that for the day. It’s a method of soul contact and integration and includes the Great Invocation and, often, the Gayatri.

THE GREAT INVOCATION *

From the point of Light within the Mind of God
Let light stream forth into human minds.
Let Light descend on Earth.

From the point of Love within the Heart of God
Let love stream forth into human hearts.
May the Coming One return to Earth.

From the centre where the Will of God is known
Let purpose guide all little human wills –
The purpose which the Masters know and serve.

From the centre which we call the human race
Let the Plan of Love and Light work out
And may it seal the door where evil dwells.

Let Light and Love and Power restore the Plan on Earth.

* adapted version
__________________________________________

This is a slightly adapted wording of the Great Invocation which was given out in 1945. In accordance with the changing consciousness and language of humanity as we enter into the Aquarian age, this “adapted” wording for the Great Invocation is offered in the hope that it will encourage wider distribution of this world prayer.

Many religions believe in a World Teacher, knowing him under such names as the Lord Maitreya, the Imam Mahdi, the Bodhisattva, and the Messiah, and these terms are used in some of the Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist and Jewish versions of the Great Invocation.

Men and women of goodwill throughout the world are using this Invocation in their own language. Will you join them in using the Invocation every day – with thought and dedication? By using the Invocation and encouraging others to use it, no particular group or organisation is sponsored. It belongs to all humanity.

Reading for 30 minutes

I used to read while I was eating breakfast. I didn’t time it, but now that I read for 30 minutes (and time it) I realize I wasn’t reading so much then! And it’s the light stuff… Treatise on White Magic, Esoteric Astrology, and starting tomorrow or Monday, I’m heading into  a new pattern: I’m rotating through The Secret Doctrine… and four others, as yet unchosen.

I’m going to shake things up, though, and work at 3-5 books, 30 minutes a day, a different book for each day of the week, for the energy of the day, or just set them out and pick one up every day. We’ll see. As my father-in-law used to say, usually just before he played a nasty prank on someone, “Ya gotta have fun sometime.” Again.. more important for me to do something than to do the ‘right thing.’

30-Day postaday Blog Challenge

I’ve been sitting on the fence about blogging for several years. Rather, I’ve had blogs, but have had no strategy nor plan. Failing to plan=planning to fail. (quote attributed to Winston Churchill, Benjamin Franklin and Alan Lakein. I’m going with Win and Ben) It’s been hit and miss to say the least. Mostly, I haven’t shown up. If you don’t show up, you don’t get results. Go figure.

So I decided to push myself to post something every day. Just for the practice. Without pushing for followers, without pushing for comments, without expecting anything. The project is to post something every day and learn. I started on the New Moon of Libra. So far So good.

10 000 Steps a Day

I’m not achieving this and didn’t fully expect to. Plus I was sick for a couple of days and my blood pressure was really low for a day. So, this week, I’m giving myself a break. The realistic target is 5 000 a day and 10 000 several days. When it’s not pouring rain and I’m not in the car, it’s easier. But it isn’t difficult at all if you do a few 20 min walks.

And so it goes. Brendan Burchard, in The Charge, talks about 30, 60, 90-day learning projects. Rather than start at the beginning of the month, I’m working with the first of the month, the new moon, the change of zodiacal sign and the full moon. This gives me a chance to get something underway before a new pattern begins.

We’re in Scorpio, so I’ve set a challenge (which I’m keeping to myself for now) and the Full Moon is coming up, so I’ve set a mental pattern to change over the next 6 months)

And I’m going to use stickers, coloured dots… and maybe even some gold stars. They’re more interesting than simple check marks, no?!

Looking for other ways to inculcate a good habit….

To the Money Monkey on My Back—Time to Get Off!

Pennies

Canadian Pennies (Photo credit: shareski)

10 cents a week. A penny to charity. A penny to university. A penny to gifts. 7 cents to spend as I pleased.

That was my allowance at the age of 6. In principle, a good idea. Teach me the value of a penny, teach me to save, teach me to give, teach me to choose how to spend limited resources. The 10% rule. 10% to yourself. 10% tithed. 10% for long-term. Only spend 60% of what you earned.

There wasn’t much money then.

The reality. $.01/wk=$.52/year x 12 years (to get me to 18)= $624, which would have paid for, as I think about it, one year’s tuition at the time I was ready to go to university.

I remember discussions about spending 25 cents a week on the Boston Sunday Herald. I remember we bought a white tinsel Christmas tree at 50% off after Christmas one year. We made do, but we also didn’t know any different, so it wasn’t a big deal.

We had to buy our summer frozen treats from the freezer. Mom made them and we had to pay for them. As a young, enthusiastic photographer at age 6, I had to buy my film and pay for my own developing (this made me a careful photographer.)

When I started taking piano lessons, and there was a little more money, I had the best (and about the most expensive) teacher available. We travelled every summer—camping from the age of 13 months, to each side of the country, to Great Britain and Scotland, to Europe. Membership in a tennis club, art lessons. But I made my own clothes, planning out each season what I ‘needed’ and finding or making the missing skirt or shirt.

I learned a lot about money then.  When we travelled overseas I remember having about $100 to spend. I tracked my spending—each postcard, each doll dressed in the country’s costume, each stamp on postcards and airmail letters, each sticker for my guitar case.

My parents never told us explicitly what they were trying to teach us, but these are some of the ideas I’ve carried around about money for a long time.

  • can’t afford it
  • it’s not practical—therefore you don’t need it
  • you don’t need it
  • it’s too expensive which meant we don’t need it and it isn’t necessary
  • you don’t need what everyone else has just because they have it

I also learned:

  • material things aren’t important
  • buy quality, but not quantity (the expensive teak furniture we bought when I was in high school—now called “mid-century Scandinavian”— we still have)
  • experience—travel, for instance, or concerts, lessons, theatre— is better than things
  • if it’s not necessary, it’s not needed, therefore it’s not worth it
  • make do, compromise, if there’s a cheaper way and it’s just about as good… do that.
  • you don’t need much.
  • wanting without need is wasteful
  • you don’t need crippy crap

Really, it was about taking the middle path, which permeated our lives in many areas. Have what you need. Don’t go overboard. You don’t need very much. Simple is good. Quality is good. Quantity is bad.

I learned about long-term saving. Waaaaayyy long-term. What does ‘university’ mean to a 6-year-old? What about charity? Both were vague concepts. I put the pennies aside because that’s just what I did. I wasn’t aware of charities I could donate to and after grade 1 I didn’t go to church, so you know, I have no idea what happened to either of those little plans.

But what I didn’t learn:

  • how to save for something in the mid-term, something I wanted. Because, of course, wants aren’t important.
  • how to want something— something of value, something of quality—and save for it.
  • how to budget in the short and medium term

Result?

Mixed. And while I won’t go into personal details, a residual layer of these learnings and non-learnings colours—or discolours— my relationship with money. The relationship, although  it has steadily improved over the years, it’s still a dysfunctional one. One that will require a warrior-like determination to conquer this particular head of the Hydra.

It is time for the Money Monkey on my back to permanently. This is my Herculean quest.